Few NJ couples are choosing a church wedding. Why it's no longer the venue of choice (2024)

In 2010, the Rev. David Pickens, newly ordained, was thrilled to preside over the first marriage of his career in Little Falls. As a priest assigned to Our Lady of the Holy Angels, his calendar filled with so many weddings, he lost count.

Today, as pastor at St. Peter the Apostle Church in Parsippany, Pickens' Saturdays aren't so full: When he recently examined the church calendar, he was dismayed to see no nuptials scheduled for the coming year. He lamented the change in a recent newsletter to parishioners.

"I guess more couples are opting to celebrate their wedding at a catering hall or at a beach resort," he wrote.

Few NJ couples are choosing a church wedding. Why it's no longer the venue of choice (1)

In the Sixties, the Dixie Cups bragged they were "going to the chapel/And we're gonna get married." In "My Fair Lady," Alfred Doolittle frets "Get Me to the Church on Time" before his upcoming I-do's. But today, as more Americans leave organized religion and fewer couples tie the knot, church weddings are becoming as obsolete as the garter toss.

Aimee Petersen, owner of The Perfect Shindig, an events planning business in Wyckoff, said such ceremonies have become scarce in the 12 years she's been in business. Of the 30 events she's organized over the past year, "not a single couple expressed an interest in a church wedding," she said.

Among her clients was Shannon Lance, 39, from Ringwood, who dreamed of having an outdoor ceremony and an indoor reception. She got married last April at a lakefront estate in California. "I had a vision of what I wanted, and my venue checked the boxes not only in style but also in convenience," she said.

Why religious weddings are on the decline

Among the most popular wedding venues these days are barns, farms, country clubs and breweries that are "less ballroom-ish'" said Petersen. "Couples these days are seeking spaces in which they can transform and create their chosen vibe." That's usually "open and airy and neutral," Petersen said. "They want to be different than `what it's always been.'"

Many also like the convenience of having the ceremony in the same place as the reception, she added.

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Although Catholic doctrine requires weddings to take place in the parish of the bride or groom, the percentage of U.S. Catholics getting married outside a church rose from 48% in 1980 to 76% in 2022, according to the Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate at Georgetown University.

"Sometimes, I get calls from couples who have already set up their wedding to be at a beach and they are shocked to find out I won't do it," said the Rev. Msgr. Raymond Kupke, pastor at St. Anthony's in Hawthorne and the archivist for the Paterson Catholic Diocese.

Wedding venues with no restrictions

"For hundreds of years, the custom was that you get married in your family church," he said. "But because young people are moving away and living in other places, very few couples today are married in their family's church."

Many opt against a church wedding because it limits their ability to craft their own, individual ceremony. "A Catholic marriage is a sacrament, not just a celebration," Kupke said, "so it has a format which is not open to 'whatever.'"

In a non-church venue, for example, couples can write their own vows or have their pet serve as a best man or maid of honor. They also can avoid the annulment process if it's a second marriage, a flexibility not granted by the church.

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It's not just Catholics: A 2017 survey by wedding website The Knot found the number of couples of all faiths wed in a house of worship fell to 22% that year, from 41% in 2009.

Experts cite a combination of societal shifts. About 30% of U.S. adults were religiously unaffiliated in a 2021 Pew Research Center Study, up from 16% in 2007, and about 40 million American adults have stopped attending church in the past 25 years.

The case for a church wedding

The Rev. Patt Kauffman of St. Paul Lutheran Church in Ridgefield has also seen declining demand for weddings at her church. She tells parishioners a religious wedding can have a lasting impact for a family well beyond the moment.

"When young people ask why they should have their wedding in a church, I speak of the community of believers, who not only show up on their wedding day, but in the best practices, will be there for support and encouragement as the years go by.In a catering facility, the maître d' goes away. The photographer stops taking your calls after you've downloaded the pictures.But the prayers and fellowship and support of the community is always present whenever you need it."

The Rev. Marc Mancini, of St. James of the Marches Parish in Totowa, agrees.

"It's powerful when a couple enters the sacrament of holy matrimony in a church," Mancini said. "To have a wedding in a house of worship gives the marriage a sense of sacredness. A venue can be beautiful, but then you are missing out on the holiness."

Few NJ couples are choosing a church wedding. Why it's no longer the venue of choice (3)

Father Richard Arnhols, who retired last year after 50 years in the priesthood, said the number of weddings at his most recent post, St. John's in Bergenfield, was down by nearly half in 2023 compared to when he started in the parish a quarter-century earlier.

"The rise of destination weddings or weddings on the beach often excludes the possibility of the church blessing these weddings at the site. They could be blessed in the church at a later time, but most couples don’t want to go through a second ceremony." Arnhols said.

Will they come back in style?

"There is a limited appreciation of the graces available to the couple in the sacrament of matrimony," he added. "Since many young adults have managed to live without a sacramental connection with the church, they see no benefit which the sacrament might bring them."

Despite that, Kupke, at least, is confident church weddings will eventually become popular again.

Wedding trends − like rehearsal dinners, the hues of bridesmaids dresses and the size of floral arrangements − come and go. So will ideas about the perfect marraige venue, he said.

"There was a time when people would arrive at the church in a horse-drawn carriage. Now that's no longer the style," Kupke said. "Soon the church wedding will be back in style."

Deena Yellin covers religion for NorthJersey.com. For unlimited access to her work covering how the spiritual intersects with our daily lives,please subscribe or activate your digital account today.

Email:yellin@northjersey.com

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Few NJ couples are choosing a church wedding. Why it's no longer the venue of choice (2024)
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